What Makes it an Adventure?

Child led adventures sound amazing. But what qualifies as an adventure?

Doing some free association, here are some things that come to mind:

Dragons

Castles

Far Away Places

Swashbuckling Pirates

Danger

Mountain Climbing

White Water Rafting

And. As a mother of a three and six year old AND who lives in a non magical world, these are ALL non-starters.

Does this mean I’m destined to have to skip all of the adventures until my kids are older? Or until someone figures out how to create a real live Hogwarts?

Adventuring as a Verb

A quick Language Arts lesson: Adventure can be a noun or a verb.

When “adventure” is used as a destination, as in “All of my adventures take place in magical worlds with dragons and danger,” it is a noun.

When “adventure” shows engagement, such as “I adventured into the forest” or “I’m adventuring with my dogs on the beach,” it is a verb.

There are two different ways we can look at an adventure: (1.) as a destination we must get to or (2.) as something we’re constantly doing.

(Do you see where I’m going with this?)

“I adventured through our family’s game closet and spent the evening in a spirited Uno battle.”

“I will go on an adventure through an overgrown trail and climb rocks.”

“I’m adventuring into the world of Minecraft.”

If we look at adventure as a place we have to get to, it becomes something that’s over there. Not here. Adventuring requires putting on coats and boots and packing and planning and training and snacks, snacks, and more snacks.

But being in a constant state of adventuring makes magic out of the mundane.

Craving the BIG, Embracing the SMALL

Honest parenting moment: I miss the big adventures.

I miss booking vacations that include 13 hour plane rides, far off lands, new foods, new people, late nights, early mornings, swimming with sharks, or simply hours at a coffee shop or brewery.

I miss them.

And.

I’m content in the small adventures. The nightly game of tag around the kitchen island, collecting eggs in the afternoon, bundled up play in the snow, cannonballs in the pool. These are the every day, mundane adventures that make up our life right now.

It’s ok to use the small adventures today as a place holder for bigger ones tomorrow.

And what isn’t an Adventure?

Nothing.

If it’s an adventure to you, it’s an adventure.

All of the really fun things can be an adventure: vacations, mud pies, Minecraft Realms, make-believe monster hunting, camping, cooking dinner.

All of the really hard things can be an adventure: homework, chores, the doctor’s office. Even roller coaster emotions can be an adventure.

It won’t always feel like an adventure, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t one.

Adventures are not just feel good romps in the woods. The best adventure stories have setbacks, hard times, and self doubt. It makes the mountaintop even more satisfying.

And when it’s tough and when it’s hard and when we’re wishing that we could fast forward through this part, we can rest in the knowledge that the hard things are what forge relationships.

The hard things elevate the adventure.

So.

Let’s Adventure

Cheers!

Sometimes, Ketchup is a Vegetable.

A little bit about me: I have a background as a nutrition coach. And way back before I had kids, I had certain, ahem, expectations of how my kitchen table would look.

You know, full of the typical things kids love and eat all the time: bone broth, heaps of vegetables, sauerkraut, liver, and butter.

And now I’m a mother and now my kids know mac-n-cheese exists. And now you know the rest of the story.

But the desire to feed my kids nutrient dense food remains strong. I mean, it’s in all of us, right? In fact, the great internationally recognized expert on feeding children, Ellyn Satter, said “Feeding is Parenting.” If we’re not feeding our children well, are we even parenting?

But here’s the real secret of it all: it’s just not always that easy to get healthy food into our kids, for a variety of reasons. If you are like me, this worry consumes you. The craziest part is that you’ll pass up on real life adventures to ensure your children have a well balanced meal.

Perfection’s Place at the Table

This past summer, my son found his fins. He realized that life in a swimming pool was way better than life on dry land.

One Wednesday afternoon, I got off of work with a plan to head to the grocery store. Our cupboards were bare. As soon as I exited my basement office, my son cornered me and asked begged to go swimming.

No. I planed to say No. I didn’t have a plan for dinner. Nothing was prepped, I was really tired. My husband was traveling, And we had no vegetables in our house.

The conversation in my head went something like this: “Nope. Sorry kiddo. We need a trip to the grocery store. We can go swimming tomorrow.”

But. Adventure was calling. Or begging. Whichever.

Deep breath.

Pause.

Hear the needs.

Both of my kids had been keeping it together for the babysitter and needed to release some energy. My son had a new found love of swimming and the pool was only going to be open for a few more weeks. He wanted some novelty and adventure in his life- we almost never go swimming in the evening.

But, I also needed to acknowledge my needs. I needed to feed my children well and I didn’t have a single vegetable in my house. I was (and still am) so exhausted by the crushing guilt of perfection parenting. And I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed some time outside, fresh air, and to smile.

And that’s how we got to ketchup being a vegetable. Because I don’t know about you, but we always have ketchup in our house.

Ketchup is made of tomatoes. Tomatoes are a vegetable. Ergo, ketchup is a vegetable…. right?

So I put ketchup on the menu and took perfection off. I threw some chicken nuggets in the air fryer while everyone got changed, squirted our vegetables into a container, lovingly packed the rest of our food, and we headed to the pool.

Yes, my son, we can go to the pool. And I need you to eat some vegetables too, mmk?

Adventuring Requires Flexibility

Some days I’m as flexible as an uncooked spaghetti noodle.

My kids ask for something, I battle internally and end up saying no. Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually I end up snapping in half, with bits of dried noodle flying everywhere.

Other days I’m more like a cooked spaghetti noodle and the kiddos and I have a really great time. And more importantly, we strengthen our relationship.

Embracing the adventure means embracing flexibility.

(Despite what the 2012 version of myself might think.)

Cheers!

Have you ever used ketchup as a vegetable (or a different vegetable stand in)? Do you struggle with flexibility? Let me know in the comments!

What is “Child Led,” Exactly?

“Child Led” is one of those phrases. It’s sort of new-agey, with a lot of ambiguity. Even if you get it, it still may be unclear.

And if you don’t get it…. well then it sounds like I’m talking about raising a gaggle of wild and irresponsible children. This is so common because our society has deeply held beliefs about a child’s role in self-directed exploration.

Won’t they get board?

Won’t they break something?

They will definitely get into a fight. And lost. Probably at the same time.

Isn’t that neglect?

Will someone call the police on me?

In most nooks of our society, children are thought of as incomplete people. Adults must be nearby and ever at the ready to direct play, conversation, conflict, and thoughts, lest the children become board, rude, mean, or wayward.

It is my deeply held belief that children are born whole people and by allowing them to lead the way, we can help create a meaningful life full of adventure and growth.

Let’s Define It.

Sometimes when trying to define something new, it’s helpful to get clear on what it isn’t.

Child Led does NOT mean:

• Play with broken glass

• Get into the car with strangers.

• Run through the parking lot 10 steps ahead of an adult.

• Get three hours of sleep a night and eat nothing but candy.

• Quit school at the age of 10 and ride the rails.

• Whatever other hyperbolic situation that proves the point that children need some level of support and direction from the adults in their lives.

Child Led DOES mean:

• Recognize the needs of the child.

• Be respectful of their opinions.

• Set safe boundaries, together.

• Empower the child to make their choice.

• Notice what your child notices and engage.

• Share in their joy.

The last several generations of parenting have centered around an authoritarian approach. So if reading the DOES list causes a visceral reaction, you’re not alone. Breaking the cycle is hard.

Let’s break it down.

Recognize the needs of the child. This is all about seeing and hearing what your child needs. Most of the time, children are craving love, validation, support, novelty, control, security, or connection. Heck, we all are, right? Both kids AND adults may not be able to separate the surface desire with the underlying need.

“I don’t want to go to bed!” may not be about challenging your authority. Is the child scared to be alone in his room, are they feeling disconnected because of a busy day, or does she need something novel and exciting, like staying up past her bedtime? Figure out the need and the surface desire will make sense.

Be respectful of their opinions. Children are allowed to have their own opinions, and those opinions might be different from ours. That’s ok! If we want to raise a child with empathy, we have to demonstrate empathy.

A child doesn’t need to be nearly grown to have an opinion worth respecting. Being respectful of an opinion in the world of younger children will look different than in the world of older kids and teens. It might be as simple as not trashing a favorite video game or book.

Set safe boundaries, together. Safe boundaries are crucial, there is no denying it. But as your child gets older and has stronger needs and opinions, we have an opportunity to include them in the decision making process.

When the child is an infant, maybe we take the child proof lock off the tupperware cabinet and let her go crazy. When the child is six, maybe we allow him to run ahead on known hikes as long as he stops to wait when the trail splits off. When the child is 16, maybe we set a curfew together, allowing them input based on their plans for the evening.

Empower the child to make their own choice. I believe kids are more capable to make their own choices than we adults allow. I have found that when I’m resistant to my children making their own choices, it is usually because I’m feeling like my authority being challenged and my ego is being bruised.

When a child asks (or demands) to make their own choice, let’s take a breath and ask ourselves “what would be the worst thing that could happen if they make this choice?”, “how likely is it that the worst of the worst will happen?”, and “why am I so resistant to allowing the child to make this choice?”

Notice what your child notices and engage. Children are natural citizen scientists. They chase rabbits down holes near constantly and where they end up will give you a window into what is important to them. If you are struggling to recognize the need or understand their opinions, spend some time observing where their curiosity takes them.

Share in their joy. Remember the last time you found someone who loved something as much as you did? I can list the few lifelong friends who I instantly bonded with over our love of weightlifting, farm to table restaurants, and respectful parenting. These relationships were forged because we shared the joy.

When our child experiences joy, let’s lean into it. I’ve found that it’s not hard to love something my child loves, just because they love it. Maybe we don’t get it (seriously, what exactly IS Minecraft??), but we can celebrate it. We can listen, ask questions, and be present. When the joy is shared, the relationship is nurtured, and the child is holding our hand instead of running ahead.

Child Led is Relationship Based

Sometimes I get caught in the weeds of parenting. My kids aren’t respecting me, I need more obedience, our routine is falling apart, and what will everyone think??

These are the times when I have to take a step back and remind myself: It’s the relationship.

Relationships with solid roots are often built on trust and respect. When we allow our children to lead, we are saying “Yes, I see you are a person, And I’m so excited to watch you grow.”

It’s not always easy. Sometimes, I just want everyone to snap to attention and do what I say.

Breaking the cycle is hard.

Let’s remember that this work is not the burden of our children.

It falls to us to nurture the relationship so the burden can bloom into something greater.

Let’s step back. Let’s allow our children to take the lead. And let’s see what adventure awaits!

Cheers!

Kelsey

If you liked what you read, subscribe to my email newsletter so you never miss a post!

The Yes, And Mindset

I loooove telling people yes. I am an Enneagram 2 people pleaser and I crave is the approval in your eyes when I say those three simple letters:

Y.E.S.

This applies to everyone- my husband, my parents, bosses, friends….

…. everyone except my kids.

When my kids ask for something, I have an excuse ready the second I sense them preparing a question:

I’m too tired.

Not right now.

I can’t, I have to do the dishes.

Maybe later. No, really. Maybe later (but not really).

Did I mention I’m tired?

Uggggghhhhh. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. But I can only play for one minute, and then I have other stuff to do. (starts scrolling through phone)

Listen. It’s entirely reasonable to have to tell our kids no. It would be inauthentic to claim I never tell my kids no. Even as I write this, I feel like a total fraud. In fact, if you know me in real life, you might be thinking “Wait. That’s odd. I’ve never actually heard her say yes to her kids.”

(I’m working on it, okaaaay?)

But here’s the honest truth: If I stopped and played every time someone asked, no one would eat, have clean clothes, or get an education. The pressure to be everywhere and do everything is real and crushing.

Recognizing The Need

But another honest truth is that when my kids ask me a question, they are expressing a need. A need for validation, comfort, attention, novelty, excitement… and on and on.

The Yes is about recognizing the needs of everyone in the conversation. When we recognize the needs of the child (and the spouse, the parent, the boss, the friend, and (last but certainly not least) ourselves), we have a window into preserving and strengthening the relationship.

And that, my friends, is my goal.

My goal is to preserve my relationship with my children.

It’s Not Just The Yes

Here’s the other thing… it’s not just Yes. It’s Yes, And.

The Yes recognizes the need. The And keeps the relationship moving forward.

“Yes, daughter, I hear you want to play with me. And I need 20 minutes to get dinner started, then I will come play with you.

Or.

“Yes, daughter, I hear you want to play with me. And I will. Right now, there is so just much I’m working on and I can’t. Let’s play together when you are taking a bath tonight.” (And then follow through.)

Editorial: I don’t actually speak like this, but it is what I try to run through my head before I respond..

Second Editorial: It’s ok to not respond right away. You can ask for a minute to think about it.

Third Editorial: The above examples feel weird because I don’t use the word “But.” I do this on purpose.

Never Put Your But in Someone’s Face

There is a fantastic book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. As it turns out, most of us have been communicating in a very combative way and it can cause friction in relationships. It’s a great book- add it to your list!

There is a particular quote that stuck out to me and I think is very relevant for this approach to parenting.

“Never put your “but” in the face of an angry person.” Marshall Rosenberg

This is not the “Yes, But” site. When you say “but” after the word “Yes”, all anyone hears is “Errrr… No”. It also raises the defense of whomever you’re speaking with. Removing your but from the conversation projects empathy and encourages connection.

So, let’s try to keep our buts out of our kid’s face.

Let’s Do it Together.

I already told you that I feel like a huge fraud for starting this blog. Sometimes “No!” snaps out of my mouth like a rubber band pulled too tight. It relationship gets messy and I get frustrated, mad, angry, and tired.

I’m getting better. When I use a Yes, And approach when speaking to my kids, things are better. The relationships flourish and the connection deepens.

So my invitation to you is: let’s get messy and grow together.

Cheers!

Kelsey

If you liked what you read, subscribe to my email newsletter so you never miss a post!