What is “Child Led,” Exactly?
“Child Led” is one of those phrases. It’s sort of new-agey, with a lot of ambiguity. Even if you get it, it still may be unclear.
And if you don’t get it…. well then it sounds like I’m talking about raising a gaggle of wild and irresponsible children. This is so common because our society has deeply held beliefs about a child’s role in self-directed exploration.
Won’t they get board?
Won’t they break something?
They will definitely get into a fight. And lost. Probably at the same time.
Isn’t that neglect?
Will someone call the police on me?
In most nooks of our society, children are thought of as incomplete people. Adults must be nearby and ever at the ready to direct play, conversation, conflict, and thoughts, lest the children become board, rude, mean, or wayward.
It is my deeply held belief that children are born whole people and by allowing them to lead the way, we can help create a meaningful life full of adventure and growth.
Let’s Define It.
Sometimes when trying to define something new, it’s helpful to get clear on what it isn’t.
Child Led does NOT mean:
Play with broken glass
Get into the car with strangers.
Run through the parking lot 10 steps ahead of an adult.
Get three hours of sleep a night and eat nothing but candy.
Quit school at the age of 10 and ride the rails.
Whatever other hyperbolic situation that proves the point that children need some level of support and direction from the adults in their lives.
Child Led DOES mean:
Recognize the needs of the child.
Be respectful of their opinions.
Set safe boundaries, together.
Empower the child to make their choice.
Notice what your child notices and engage.
Share in their joy.
The last several generations of parenting have centered around an authoritarian approach. So if reading the DOES list causes a visceral reaction, you’re not alone. Breaking the cycle is hard.
Let’s break it down.
Recognize the needs of the child. This is all about seeing and hearing what your child needs. Most of the time, children are craving love, validation, support, novelty, control, security, or connection. Heck, we all are, right? Both kids AND adults may not be able to separate the surface desire with the underlying need.
“I don’t want to go to bed!” may not be about challenging your authority. Is the child scared to be alone in his room, are they feeling disconnected because of a busy day, or does she need something novel and exciting, like staying up past her bedtime? Figure out the need and the surface desire will make sense.
Be respectful of their opinions. Children are allowed to have their own opinions, and those opinions might be different from ours. That’s ok! If we want to raise a child with empathy, we have to demonstrate empathy.
A child doesn’t need to be nearly grown to have an opinion worth respecting. Being respectful of an opinion in the world of younger children will look different than in the world of older kids and teens. It might be as simple as not trashing a favorite video game or book.
Set safe boundaries, together. Safe boundaries are crucial, there is no denying it. But as your child gets older and has stronger needs and opinions, we have an opportunity to include them in the decision making process.
When the child is an infant, maybe we take the child proof lock off the tupperware cabinet and let her go crazy. When the child is six, maybe we allow him to run ahead on known hikes as long as he stops to wait when the trail splits off. When the child is 16, maybe we set a curfew together, allowing them input based on their plans for the evening.
Empower the child to make their own choice. I believe kids are more capable to make their own choices than we adults allow. I have found that when I’m resistant to my children making their own choices, it is usually because I’m feeling like my authority being challenged and my ego is being bruised.
When a child asks (or demands) to make their own choice, let’s take a breath and ask ourselves “what would be the worst thing that could happen if they make this choice?”, “how likely is it that the worst of the worst will happen?”, and “why am I so resistant to allowing the child to make this choice?”
Notice what your child notices and engage. Children are natural citizen scientists. They chase rabbits down holes near constantly and where they end up will give you a window into what is important to them. If you are struggling to recognize the need or understand their opinions, spend some time observing where their curiosity takes them.
Share in their joy. Remember the last time you found someone who loved something as much as you did? I can list the few lifelong friends who I instantly bonded with over our love of weightlifting, farm to table restaurants, and respectful parenting. These relationships were forged because we shared the joy.
When our child experiences joy, let’s lean into it. I’ve found that it’s not hard to love something my child loves, just because they love it. Maybe we don’t get it (seriously, what exactly IS Minecraft??), but we can celebrate it. We can listen, ask questions, and be present. When the joy is shared, the relationship is nurtured, and the child is holding our hand instead of running ahead.
Child Led is Relationship Based
Sometimes I get caught in the weeds of parenting. My kids aren’t respecting me, I need more obedience, our routine is falling apart, and what will everyone think??
These are the times when I have to take a step back and remind myself: It’s the relationship.
Relationships with solid roots are often built on trust and respect. When we allow our children to lead, we are saying “Yes, I see you are a person, And I’m so excited to watch you grow.”
It’s not always easy. Sometimes, I just want everyone to snap to attention and do what I say.
Breaking the cycle is hard.
Let’s remember that this work is not the burden of our children.
It falls to us to nurture the relationship so the burden can bloom into something greater.
Let’s step back. Let’s allow our children to take the lead. And let’s see what adventure awaits!
Cheers!
Kelsey
If you liked what you read, subscribe to my email newsletter so you never miss a post!
