The Yes, And Mindset

Nov 2

I loooove telling people yes. I am an Enneagram 2 people pleaser and I crave is the approval in your eyes when I say those three simple letters:

Y.E.S.

This applies to everyone- my husband, my parents, bosses, friends….

…. everyone except my kids.

When my kids ask for something, I have an excuse ready the second I sense them preparing a question:

I’m too tired.

Not right now.

I can’t, I have to do the dishes.

Maybe later. No, really. Maybe later (but not really).

Did I mention I’m tired?

Uggggghhhhh. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. But I can only play for one minute, and then I have other stuff to do. (starts scrolling through phone)

Listen. It’s entirely reasonable to have to tell our kids no. It would be inauthentic to claim I never tell my kids no. Even as I write this, I feel like a total fraud. In fact, if you know me in real life, you might be thinking “Wait. That’s odd. I’ve never actually heard her say yes to her kids.”

(I’m working on it, okaaaay?)

But here’s the honest truth: If I stopped and played every time someone asked, no one would eat, have clean clothes, or get an education. The pressure to be everywhere and do everything is real and crushing.

Recognizing The Need

But another honest truth is that when my kids ask me a question, they are expressing a need. A need for validation, comfort, attention, novelty, excitement… and on and on.

The Yes is about recognizing the needs of everyone in the conversation. When we recognize the needs of the child (and the spouse, the parent, the boss, the friend, and (last but certainly not least) ourselves), we have a window into preserving and strengthening the relationship.

And that, my friends, is my goal.

My goal is to preserve my relationship with my children.

It’s Not Just The Yes

Here’s the other thing… it’s not just Yes. It’s Yes, And.

The Yes recognizes the need. The And keeps the relationship moving forward.

“Yes, daughter, I hear you want to play with me. And I need 20 minutes to get dinner started, then I will come play with you.

Or.

“Yes, daughter, I hear you want to play with me. And I will. Right now, there is so just much I’m working on and I can’t. Let’s play together when you are taking a bath tonight.” (And then follow through.)

Editorial: I don’t actually speak like this, but it is what I try to run through my head before I respond..

Second Editorial: It’s ok to not respond right away. You can ask for a minute to think about it.

Third Editorial: The above examples feel weird because I don’t use the word “But.” I do this on purpose.

Never Put Your But in Someone’s Face

There is a fantastic book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. As it turns out, most of us have been communicating in a very combative way and it can cause friction in relationships. It’s a great book- add it to your list!

There is a particular quote that stuck out to me and I think is very relevant for this approach to parenting.

“Never put your “but” in the face of an angry person.” Marshall Rosenberg

This is not the “Yes, But” site. When you say “but” after the word “Yes”, all anyone hears is “Errrr… No”. It also raises the defense of whomever you’re speaking with. Removing your but from the conversation projects empathy and encourages connection.

So, let’s try to keep our buts out of our kid’s face.

Let’s Do it Together.

I already told you that I feel like a huge fraud for starting this blog. Sometimes “No!” snaps out of my mouth like a rubber band pulled too tight. It relationship gets messy and I get frustrated, mad, angry, and tired.

I’m getting better. When I use a Yes, And approach when speaking to my kids, things are better. The relationships flourish and the connection deepens.

So my invitation to you is: let’s get messy and grow together.

Cheers!

Kelsey